Category: Kisah-Kisah Lucu (Funny)


A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…
do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be
strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you, too!”

NYAWA ATAU NYAMAN?

Di sebuah desa di Bandung, Indonesia tinggal sorang janda kaya yg tak menpunyai anak. Penampailannya memang menggairahkan setiap lelaki yg melihatnya.

Di desa itu juga tinggal seorang pemuda yg kejayanya perompak dan satu hari timbul niat merompak rumah si
janda kaya tersebut.

Satu malam si perompak berjaya masuk ke dalam rumah si janda melalui bumbung yg terletak betul-betul di atas bilik tidur si janda. Kebetulan si janda sedang tidur berbogel.

Timbul niat lain dalam hati perompak itu. Kemudian dengan perlahan dia menyelinap ke tempat tidur si janda. Si janda terkejut kerana terasa ada benda sedang menjalar di tubuhnya. Si janda cuba menjerit tetapi si
perompak itu terus mencabut parangnya dan mengancam si janda!!

“JANGAN MENJERIT KALO MAU SELAMAT, NAH SEKARANG PILIH NYAWA ATAU NYAMAN” ancam si perompak dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Setelah digertak si janda ketakutan dan dengan nada lemas menjawab “NYAMAN aja mas”

Setelah selesai.. si perompak terfikir endak pulang kerana merasa puas. Niat untuk merompak sudah dilupakan. Tapi ketika memakai pakaian parangnya tertinggal dan si janda terus mengambil dan mengacunya kepada si perompak.

“MAU KE MANA KAMU, SIH” tanya si janda.

“PULANG” jawab si perompak ketakutan dan cemas. Si janda membentak, “Mau PULANG ATAU ULANG”

Kawan cuba pilih mana mau?????

Sekian cerita nyawa atau nyaman, he…he…heh!

Ceritanya begini, suatu hari di Kampung Pandan, Kuala Lumpur, ada seorang ibu yang gusar kerana anak sulung lelakinya tak kawin-kawin lagi, so satu hari, si ibu pun bawalah calon-calon yang dirasakan sesuai untuk menjadi bakal menantunya, dia pun menjemput kesemuanya kedalam rumahnya. Lalu memanggil anak sulong lelakinya untuk memilih yang mana-mana dia berkenan.

CALON PERTAMA:
Ciri-ciri : Kulit cerah, rambut ikal mayang, pipi gebu, BUKIT besar! BUMPER menggiurkan ala JLo.
Pekerjaan : Operator telefon merangkap receptionist.

Si anak lelaki menolak calon pertama. Si ibu bertanya mengapa dia menolak, lalu si anaknya pun berkata;
“Ala Mak…nih tak syiioookkkk….dia nih selalu cakap SILA TUNGGU SEBENTAR,TUNGGU SEBENTAR.”

CALON KEDUA:
Ciri-ciri : Kulit sawa matang, mata bulat dan besar, badan 100% bergetah, BUKITnya Just nice, BUMPERnya boleh tahan.
Pekerjaan : Setiausaha.

Lalu si anak lelaki berkata;
“Nih lagi tak syyiiiooookkkk…asyik-asyik HARAP BERSABAR…BERSABAR.”
Si ibu pun gelisah kerana kebanyakkan calon yang ditunjukkan tidak memenuhi kriteria anak lelakinya. Lalu dia pun menjemput calon terakhir…

CALON TERAKHIR:
Ciri-ciri : Kulit gelap-gelita, mata sepet sikit, badan 99.99999% bergetah, BUKITnya kurang memuaskan, BUMPERnya flat.
Pekerjaan : Guru.

Tanpa segan silu dan memikir panjang lalu si anak lelaki ini terus bersetuju untuk memilih calon ini. Lalu si ibu pun pening kepala lalu bertanya kepada anak lelakinya mengapa dipilih calon ini?
Lalu anaknya pun memberitahu;
“Hah! mak nih la syyiookkk sikit… kalau cikgu best sikit. Pasal dia selalu cakap ULANG SEKALI LAGI, BUAT BANYAK-BANYAK, SALAH NIH, BUAT MACAM NIH 10 KALI LAGI, TERUSKAN.. HAH.. TERUSKAN DAH BETUL TUH…”


Tiba-tiba adik lelaki tersebut yang berumur 10 tahun menyampuk.
“Bang!!! Konduktor bas mini lagi bagus bang! Diorang selalu cakap ”NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT… MASUK, MASUK… MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI… DALAM LAGILAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MASUK BELAKANG… BELAKANG LAGI, LAGI BELAKANG SANA… BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!”

Married Humour!

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’

———— ——— ——— –

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’

Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

———— ——— ——— –

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’

Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’

Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’

Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

———— ——— ——— ———— ——— —–

Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

———— ——— ———

Son: ‘ Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

____________ _________ _________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

———— ——— ——— ———— ——— —

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

———— ——— ——— –

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.

“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us,
not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what
ye put yer old Mother thru?”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….Dad…..I became a
prostitute.”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country
club…… (takes a breath)….. .. and an invitation for ye all to spend New
Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!

I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old
Dad a hug.”

One day, cha siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat cha siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body.

Cha Siew Pau lost the fight and went back to tell all the pau family;- Kaya pau, tau sa pau, curry pau, and etc.

So together, all the paus went to find maggi mee for revenge.

On the way… they met Spaghetti.. so all of the pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the daylights out of Spaghetti till Spaghetti could not say a word,

Spaghetti then screamed ……. ‘what did I do? I don’t even noe you all’..

Then cha siew pau said ..

‘HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don’t think I can’t recognize you after you do REBONDING!!’

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.

In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

“So what do you do for a living?” the father asked the young man.

“I am a Biblical scholar,” he replied.

“A Biblical scholar. Hmm……..” , the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in.”

“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry Sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answered, “He has no job, no plans and he thinks I’m God!!”

Beruang, Singa & Babi‏

Once Upon A Time

Beruang, Singa dan Babi bertemu di hutan…

Beruang : “Korang tau tak, sekali aku mengaum, seluruh hutan menggigil.”

Singa : “Ek eleh! Tak power lagi. Aku kalo mengaum, semua belantara kegerunan.”

Babi kata: “Wa La Weh…. Aku batuk skali aje, satu dunia panik beb!”

Naughty answers

Man comes home, finds
his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says :

‘If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends’.

********************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, ‘ send me a brother’

Santa wrote back,

‘ SEND ME YOUR MOTHER’

****************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

***********************************

Husband asks:

‘Do u know that the meaning of WIFE
is:

Without
I nformation
F ighting
E very-time

Wife replies:

‘ No,…… It means:

W ith
Idiot
F or
E ver !!!’

*****************************************

What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,… Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when both are pregnant.

****************************************

Grammer Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver run away!

**********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad :’What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: ‘You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that IS confidential.

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